(lights come up on a SPEAKER is standing on stage)

          There is a fine line between sleep and death. You see sleep is there to keep you from dieing. Most people seem to want one right in front of the other.

         “I want to die in my sleep” or “I want to die in my bed”

          I don’t want to die like that. Now I also am not one of those freaks that want to go out in a blaze of glory. The thought of jump off Mt Rushmore from inside Abraham Lincoln’s nose on and then pretending you’re booger never really struck me as a fun way to leave the mortal coil.

          There is even a smaller number of you so called “normal people” that say “You know what? Do you want to know how I want to die? Fucking! Yeah I want to come and go at the same time.”

          Well one of two things is going to have to happen. Either you are having sex with a deadly weapon in your hand, or you are stupid enough to be making love with enough illegal substances to kill a horse, let alone a human being. To be honest, how many of us want to go with this look on their face? (Gives his/her ugliest “O” face) God forbid you get stuck with that for eternity.

          Also, you want to tell St Peter that story if you are in the borderline between North and South. Don’t forget, you may have to do it with the face.

          No thank you. No mam. I want to go out quick and painless, nothing too fancy, you know. I don’t want anything special. I was thinking that I would I would hang myself, but that wouldn’t kill me at all. Nope; I would let a bunch of kids or midgets, depending on how the mood strikes me.

          Now I want to make sure that this is perfectly clear; If and ONLY IF I let the midgets beat me, I will add children standing around me and the little people in a circle and they would cheer them on.

          Now I hear you say “Why would such precious, innocent children cheer on and encourage such a horrible act?”

          Well I would then reply with “Hey you just used two to describe the same thing twice. GO BACK AND READ A GRAMMAR BOOK!” I will give you a reason why? I am putting candy and quarters in my pockets. That’s right lades and gentlemen. I would turn myself into a 300 pound piñata.

          Now that I would think about it I would want to die in a midget mood. Not only is it alliteration, but the midgets work out their Napoleonic Complex. The kids are happy because they are getting free candy and getting money. And what are they going to use the money to get? MORE CANDY! So they are happy which makes the midgets happy and I die so I am happy and to top it off, I don’t really commit suicide so I don’t have to go straight to hell for it. That is what I call a win-win-win situation.

          Now I seem to sense some of you are pulling away from me. WELL WELCOME TO MY WORLD! I have these thoughts run through my brain on an almost constant basis. Then I have enough of them that I have to take pills and get really sleepy. Then I go to sleep and I wake up and I feel full of life and life is good. I am walking a line, that fine line between sleep and death. You see sleep is there to keep you from dieing, so that is why I haven’t slept in three months.